Forgiveness is another one of my favourite coaching topics.
It's interesting to consider that in some cases, forgiveness wouldn't be necessary at all if blame didn't exist first.
I share that up front because I personally find it a very important part of the forgiveness process to identify if I'm blaming something on someone else and what effect that is having. I need to understand that first before I determine if forgiveness is the right next step, or if it's something in a different direction (such as self awareness / being honest with myself).
One of my favourite "coaching frameworks" is this: "Life happens, and it's not personal."
What this means is that stuff happens all the time, and some of it can be pretty uncomfortable or even horrible. However, "life" didn't suddenly become a bully and make us victims. Life isn't doing this "TO" us. it's just happening. If we make it personal, we are choosing to be victims and here is where blame enters the scene.
Of course, there are also the times when someone's specific behaviour has resulted in a situation where we are in some way, hurt. This could be actual hurt or emotional pain.
Still, in these situations I look at their behaviour as a separate thing to the person, and a separate thing to how I feel. Someone doing that behaviour isn't necessarily doing it specifically to hurt me. They are far more likely not aware that the behaviour is hurtful. Therefore, I don't have to take it personally unless I choose to.
This choice tends to make a lot of difference to how easy forgiveness can be in many situations. If I've chosen to take it personally, it can be more difficult (but not impossible) to forgive. if I choose to not take it personally, I'm also far less likely to feel like a victim and blame someone else, and therefore forgiveness either becomes unneccessary or very easy to do.
OK, there's a lot of thought provoking stuff there I think. How do you feel about this?
Coaching Exercises
1. What does the term "forgiveness" mean to you?
2. Consider a time when you've been forgiven for something you've done. How important was it to you to be forgiven? How important do you think it was to the other person? What did you learn from the experience?
3. Is there anyone you are currently blaming for something in your life? Is the blame fair and appropriately directed? Can you separate out the person from the choice they made? What difference would it make to you if you did?
4. Who do you feel you need to be forgiving, whether you're ready to do so now or not? What will it take for you to be ready to forgive? How will you communicate this to the other person? How do you think you'll feel afterward?
As always, if you need any further personal support in response to any of these coaching exercies, please consider using the askacoach.com service.
All the best,
Noel
Noel Posus - Master Coach
www.askacoach.com
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